My goal is to write in here every few days. I will be adding a comment/question section at some point. Basically this is a space that I will tell my story and go over what types of issues arise due to my PTSD. What some triggers are and the way I work through them so that I can move on living a happy life.
April 15th 2022
I have off today from work. Its the Friday before Easter. We are all going to go to the movies this afternoon. But lets start with why I am up early on a day off. I can not sleep in. It just doesn’t happen. I can stay up late and still wake up early. Looking back though bedtime was never a great thing growing up. sometimes bad things happened when you went to bed, but then again bad things happened anytime throughout the day. I can remember moving in with my parents at age 5 and already being a light sleeper and early riser. Even before living with them I had been through so much. (I would say my sister had been as well but i won’t be speaking for her here on my page.) I can remember being 3/4 years old and going into the living room and finding my parents passed out. Either drunk or high or maybe a mixture of both. Just an FYI both my biological parents are deceased. Back in the early 80’s though they both had drinking problems and major drug issues. I know cocaine and heroin were used, maybe other things as well but I am not sure. My sisters, my brother, and I would go across the street to the convenient store and buy food with fake money from board games so that we could eat. I don’t know if they just knew the situation or maybe my parents would pay them back later. I guess I will never know. Sometimes my parents would host parties at their house so they would have these gatherings of people come over who would drink and do drugs. I’d say this is probably where it all started back in my memory. These events were so traumatic tat i can still remember them even though i was 3 to 4 years old. I really hope my parents didn’t know what was happening to me because it would hurt me even more if i found out they new and let it happen anyway. I clearly remember being brought up to the attic by strange men and they would do things to me and have me do things to them. Most times I would be asleep and be taken out of my bed.
April 21st 2022
So far this has been a rough week. Work is extremely stressful. Normally i function extremely well in high stress situations due to my past, but this week is getting the better part of me. I believe because its not only stressful this week but also exciting and depressing as well. Got the news on Monday that my daughter had her job selected in the Air Force and she will be shipping out to BMT on May 17th. So very excited for her but also so sad that my baby girl will be leaving home. The longest amount of time I have ever been away from her has been 5 days since she was born. She is always there with me. Even when I am sick and in the hospital that girl will stay by my side and sleep at the hospital with me. She is the one who made me a mommy, my only little girl, the one child that probably understands me the most. Don’t get me wrong, my boys are amazing, but there is a different bond between mother and daughter. Also, due to our similar traumas, we have an even stronger bond. I am so very proud of her, I am fearful of what may happen to her, but I do believe she is a very strong woman who can do anything she puts her mind too.
Tuesday of this week had me so frazzled for lack of a better word. I was having breakdown after breakdown. I was super emotional whenever i would even start to think of Josalyn leaving, I was having a very hard day at work. I had dental appointments for my boys, and a meeting with my daughters recruiter to go over everything to expect in the coming month. Talk about a long long day. To top it off I ended up at the wrong location for the dentist and had to call them to let them know. They were super nice and understanding and I was still able to get one kid in to see the dentist. Unfortunately that was Thomas.
Little background on my munchkin man. Thomas is my 15 year old. The baby of the three kids. My little surprise child. After having been told I couldn’t have kids at 19, then having Josalyn. I was placed on birth control and ended up getting pregnant and having Xavier, only 16 months after Josalyn was born. I had placental abruption with an emergency c-section 6 weeks before my due date. When I had Xavier they also tied my tubes due to so many complications during my pregnancies. I then found out I was pregnant again when Xavier was 18 months old and Josalyn was 2. So there I was at 27 with a newborn baby, a 3 year old and a 2 year old. He was my surprise for sure, as they all were in their own way. Thomas is very special. He was diagnosed at 3 with Autism. At first we were not sure if he would ever talk or not since he was still non verbal at 3 and would just make sounds but couldn’t form words. Thomas also did not walk until he was 18 months old. There were a number of indicators, to me, that something was different. He is the epitome of joy to me though. However, the one thing Thomas hates is the dentist. So being at the dentist with my little man being terrified after such a long stressful day was the part that pushed me over the edge that day. Soothing and calming him just so they could do X-rays and a quick cleaning was overwhelming, but as a mom you just push yourself through it. I knew though that I was past my limit already that day and still had to go to the recruiters office with Brian and Josalyn. Thank god Brian is so understanding and caring because he knew I was too overwhelmed and past the point of where I could make decisions. He sugessted that, instead of going home and me making dinner, that we just grab dinner at red robin which was right by the recruiters office. That was a saving grace for me that night. I know i could have still made dinner for everyone, however it would have completely drained me and possibly could have made things worse.
I do have to say that I am so lucky, that after everything I have been through, I am so incredibly lucky to have Brian. We met 5 years ago, and he is the most patient and understanding person I have ever known. He knows my back ground and accepts me the way I am. Due to everything in my past from sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, living with a narcissist, and domestic violence I have some issue to say the least. He understands my insecurities and accommodates me all the time. Gives me space to understand my feelings and is patient when there is something bothering me. He always is so calm and thinks about what he says to me so that he knows it will be taken in the right way. When I am upset I tend to get quiet and he always lets me know that when I am ready to talk he is right there. I don’t know how he learned to be so cautious and understanding and how to handle someone like me but I am forever grateful he does. He even understand my need for a nightlight and/or t.v. on at night. He doesn’t question it or belittle me for anything. He understands my insecurities in myself and how I have an intense fear of being rejected or left. He has never once made me question his faithfulness to me which is huge, especially since every single person I have ever been with has cheated on me. He never makes me question his intentions either. He is patient when I feel vibes that are off and I keep asking him if he is ok, or if I have made him mad. Generally he is just tired and i am reading it wrong lol. All i can really say is that i couldn’t have imagined having a better partner in life than Brian.
After talking about the stuff that happened very early in my life when I still lived with my bio parents, i want to let you know that it never got better. It actually just continuously got worse. I can remember my bio mom, Cindy, screaming at me and my siblings once because we were sick. We had like the flu or something because I remember we were sick and throwing up. She had us all in the bathroom and striped us down since we had vomit on our jammies. She was yelling and we were all crying, and she put us all in the tub for the night. I remember being very cold that night and crying until falling asleep. I can also remember the night she left. She decide to leave in the middle of the night. She took my oldest sister Michelle with her and left the three of us there. Talk about feeling rejected and unwanted. Neither of them were fit to be parents, but as a mother I could not imagine walking out on my kids like that.
Once Cindy left things got even harder. Didn’t have a mom and the oldest sibling, who looked out for us as best as she could, was gone as well. So here we were ages 3,4,6 living with an alcoholic/drug addict father. During that time i have a few memories. One was being at a bar with William and then him promising us ice cream. While driving us to get ice cream he got pulled over by the police for drunk driving. I can remember being in the police station and an officer keeping an eye on us for awhile. I don’t really recall how we even got home that day. I guess money was tight for William and one option was to be a drug dealer. What better place to get drugs in the early 80’s than Florida. Guess who decided to take his children to Florida with him. I can remember a quick trip to Florida, where we didn’t stay long at all, maybe a day or two. However what i do remember was having baggies taped to me. I didn’t know what it was but i vividly remember him taping baggies on me and my sister. I don’t recall if Billy had any or not. We flew back home and he then took the baggies off of us. We then made another trip to Florida, and this trip lasted way longer. I remember staying in a shelter for a few nights. From what i remember it was a huge room with a whole bunch of beds in it. They would give us one bed for the 4 of us. They may have been cots because I do remember that we didn’t all fit so William would sleep on the floor by the bed. Eventually we went and stayed with a couple, whom i think were an Uncle and an Aunt on my mothers side. They lived in a trailer park. It was not a nice place. I guess we used to get in trouble and be put in the corner because i can recall seeing bugs when in the corner. They would be on the walls in-between the paneling. We all slept in one twin sized bed when we live there. Rachael and I at one end and William and Billy at the other. I do remember the lady we lived with liked to yell a lot. It was very hot all the time there. We were not allowed outside but I remember looking out the window and watching a dog that lived next door. I remember the dog because it had no tail. As an adult I realize it was a Rottweiler dog.
While we lived in Florida there was a day when Cindy showed up with another woman. The woman was our Grandmother, whom is referred to as the witch. She was not a nice person at all to the three of us. They came down to Florida to get us three kids and bring us back to Jersey. When returning to Jersey we went to live with the Witch. I have no idea why we couldn’t live with Cindy, but we were reunited with Michelle. I guess when Cindy left William and took Michelle with her she ended up taking her to the Witch. Michelle was treated differently than we were. At this time I was 5, Rachel was 6, and Billy was 4. Living with her was absolutely horrible. It was us four kids and our Aunt Tracey. I believe she was about 16 or 17 at the time. Our grandmother was quite the abusive person. It was during this time that I became afraid of the dark. One of the things she liked to do was lock us in the basement with the lights off. Now she would only do this to us three younger kids. My belief is that she didn’t like us because William was our father. Along with being locked in the basement in the dark, she would also with hold food from us. I can remember being told that milk was too expensive and was not to be wasted on us. We would eat cereal with water in it instead. During our bath time she would put bubbles in the tub and then put her razor in it to see who would sit on it. One time I remember standing up and the razor was stuck in my butt cheek and she had to pull it off. She laughed the whole time. There was another time she was super mad at me for something I did in the basement and she ended up chasing me. She fell on the steps and had blood going down her arm. I thought she was going to kill me that day. So many times while living there we had lice in our hair and Tracey and the Witch would have to use the special combs to get them out. We were living with her during Christmas time. Now this is the first christmas I can even remember, and we didn’t get anything. There was a tree and gifts for Tracey and Michelle but none there for myself, Rachael, or Billy.
September 5, 2022
Its been awhile since I wrote in here. A lot has happened over the last couple of months. I’d say they were good things just very stressful. My oldest child, Josalyn left for the Air Force.
October 15, 2022
Some days are better than others. Today was a long day and I feel like crap. My head is hurting like crazy. Some times i wonder why everything affects me so much. So ultra sensitive all the time. Today at work every little thing was on my last nerve. Do others get this way. I am overlooked all the time at work by my boss and at this point you would think I would be used to it since for majority of my life i was overlooked, instead I try to go above and beyond to just get the recognition that most just normally on a daily basis. Not sure what my boss has against me but I’m tired of being quiet about it.
Today was bummer of a day at work. I started so positive and it just went downhill from there. I feel like I jinx myself at times. Was really looking forward to a call and it ended up going nowhere. I’ve noticed lately I have been avoiding any feeling that come up from my past. I know it does more harm than good when i do this. I say at because i know there will be a day that i can not shake it off and i end up having a major melt down. Thankful i have Brian in my life. I know when the day does come and i have that breakdown that he will be there to lift my spirits. I do miss my princess, Josalyn, but couldn’t be more proud of her. She is just flourishing in the Air Force. She is almost done with tech school. She will be home for a few weeks and then off to North Carolina for the next portion of her journey.
Lately I have been feeling hostile about a lot of things, little things. I sometimes wonder if others think about me like I think about them. I try to go above and beyond so much and still feel like it isn’t enough, but then I get upset that I feel like others don’t do that for me. I just want this cycle to end. I need to learn that Im enough the way I am. Sadly I am 43 and just realizing this. I do love being the person there for other all the time though and being as helpful as possible.
Told a friend last night some details about my childhood. For some reason I am always surprised when they look at me wondering how I turned out the way I did. I will say as I tell my history more it does become easier. Lately I have been avoiding going into the early memories because of how the can affect me for days, weeks, even months after writing them. I tend to get more flashbacks and nightmares when I do. These flashbacks can happen at anytime during the day or night. Drives me crazy since i can be in the middle of helping a customer on the phone and then images come into my head from when i was like 5 or 6 or something. Immediately i start to feel panic rise in my chest. Awful feeling of dread comes over me. Feelings of shame and sorrow. I wish i could go back and comfort that little girl that I was. I wish someone had been there for her. Why was there not?
1/31/2023
New Year.. Not a “New Me”. Same old me avoiding this because as much as it helps me it also depresses me at the same time. I have been stuck in this feeling that I am meant to do something more with my life than what i am currently doing. I still want to write a book but I also want to be actively helping people that have gone through trauma like I have. Somehow I believe that by helping them I may be able to help myself as well. I want to be there for others the way I wish they were there for me throughout my life. I just can’t seem to figure out in what capacity that would be. Either by getting my story out there to help others know they are not alone. Or to be involved somehow in my community helping those who have been victims. I need to do something. Work, right now, has not been fulfilling enough for me. I need more. I need something fulfilling, a purpose, a goal, a plan. I over just “winging it”. I want to succeed. I need to succeed and feel like my life had meaning. I know in reality it does. I have three beautiful children that I have raised. An absolutely amazing partner who I share my life with. I just want more. As my kids are getting older and leaving home i have a huge fear of not being needed any more. My entire life has been me giving myself for others and I don’t know what to do when that ends.